CHATTERBOX DIALOGUE Version 3 GRAND THEFT AUTO 3 This document was produced by Packing Heat (funky_stylings@hotmail.com) for the Playstation2 version of Grand Theft Auto 3 ŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻ ** What's this all about? ** I wrote this some months ago, it's the full dialogue for the Chatterbox radio station of Grand Theft Auto 3. I just never turned it into an FAQ and left it on my computer. So here it is. ŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻ ** Updates ** 17th September 2002 - Nike thing Something about Nike and Ares running shoes in the Insight bit (from Dr. Nick Riviera). 9th August 2002 - smoothness... Someone's put together a really cool site with this document featured in a smooth HTML stylee. Check out www.gamefm.net in the Humour section. 7th August 2002 - various error corrections. 17th June 2002 - Yes, "that guy" that Maria talks about is "that guy" that you play as. Thanks to the numerous emails about this. And yes, Toni is the same Toni that you work for. 28th May 2002 - error correction. 16th May 2002 - haven't to round to updating in a while, but lots of corrections via emails. Also formatted it all into more aesthetic format. Enjoy. 23rd April 2002 - corrections coming from my Inbox. New section - Inter Relationships (via email from John). Special mention to the bloke who emailed me thinking that "sueno" was (and I quote) "a popular children's beverage". Indeed, and Einstein invented gravity. ŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻ ** Table of contents ** *Use CTRL+F and search for the segment/commercial name* 001 ... Segment 1 - Squirrel guy "You ever ate possum? Man that's good eating!" 002 ... Commercial 1 - Dormitron "She was too fat for me, and I'll sleep with anything!" 003 ... Commercial 2 - Maibatsu Monstrosity 1 "The new Maibatsu Monstrosity... mine's bigger!" 004 ... Segment 2 - Fake name woman "Hi Lazlow. Is that your real name? Are you Hungarian?" 005 ... Segment 3 - Vegetable man "Albino carrots, as they're known back home." 006 ... Segment 4 - Jane the difficult parent "I love that button!" 007 ... Segment 5 - SPANKed up guy "SPANK...SPANK SPANK SPANK!" 008 ... Commercial 3 - Equinox "Equinox ... softening life's harsh realities!" 009 ... Commercial 4 - Liberty City Survivor "...and let them hunt each other down!" 010 ... Segment 6 - Short guy "You're all the same, you giants!" 011 ... Segment 7 - Gun caller "Countries that don't have guns, aren't American!" 012 ... Segment 8 - Taxes "Good point, that's a lesson to us all." 013 ... Segment 9 - English guy "Freddy needs a nanny..." 014 ... Segment 10 - Sine & Cosine guy "I find it invigorating, and even sexy." 015 ... Commercial 5 - House of Tomorrow "I can get email in the shower..." 016 ... Segment 11 - Fernando Martinez "I love my wife, even though she is a fat baulker!" 017 ... Commercial 6 - Pets Overnight 1 "Gee whillikers... it's a puppy!" 018 ... Segment 12 - Spank kids guy "My daddy used to whoop tar out of me!" 019 ... Segment 13 - Killer bees "They are like sheep, they are going to take over!" 020 ... Segment 14 - C.R.A.P. "Citizens Raging Against Phones" 021 ... Commercial 7 - Sue your boss "... falling down and holwling like a sissy..." 022 ... Segment 15 - Puppet festival "Guys with puppets get chicks!" 023 ... Commercial 8 - Medieval Millennium Fair "...the joys of being a fuedal servant." 024 ... Segment 16 - Nude dude "I'm naked and I feel soooo good!" 025 ... Segment 17 - Donald Love "Ooh, that makes me feel all warm and fuzzy." 026 ... Segment 18 - Bob from Pike Creek "No more dead teachers, no more angry students." 027 ... Commercial 9 - Maibatsu Monstrosity 2 "...and in amphibious mode - it can cross rivers." 028 ... Commercial 10 - Pets Overnight 2 "Would you like a giraffe? Mooooo!" 029 ... Segment 19 - Linda the Internet woman "I always listen to you when I'm getting my colon irrigated" 030 ... Segment 20 - Maria calls in "My name's Maria, you know, like mama-mia..." 031 ... Segment 21 - Jeff - rally in the park "...grabbing the town by the balls and saying 'listen son'!" 031 ... Segment 22 - I'm moving out "...the big 4-0, it...it's just time to go." 032 ... Commercial 11 - Ares Running Shoes "My friend Joey sewed his hands together." 033 ... Commercial 12 - Pets Overnight 3 "Delivering little bundles of love...in a box..." 034 ... Segment 23 - Reed Tucker "Can we get some bacon in here?!?" 035 ... Segment 24 - Crazy guy "They already got me once...but never again!" 036 ... Segment 25 - I like working here "...except that we have a snack-machine." 037 ... Segment 26 - Language dispute & hopscotch "I only play man sports! Like football. And hopscotch." 038 ... Commercial 13 - Fernando's New Beginnings "But on Wednesday afternoon, I meet Barbara at the hotel..." 039 ... Commercial 14 - Pets Overnight 1 "Gee whillikers, it's a puppy!" 040 ... Segment 27 - Inconsiderate people "Oh come on lady, you don't have 2 dollars?!" 041 ... Segment 28 - Military bloke "They even wired kangaroos with explosives..." 042 ... Segment 29 - Tony Capriani calls in "Toni? How'd you know my name is Toni?" 043 ... Commercial 15 - Pogo the Monkey "Here you go Pogo, have a fast car." 045 ... Insight 044 ... Legal stuff Seg 1 - Squirrel guy Lazlow: "Alright, Liberty City, this is your talk radio show Chatterbox, where your opinion matters. Let's go to the phones...hello caller, you're on Chatterbox." Caller: "Hey, ya ever ate possum, that's some good eating." Lazlow: "Naah, I really can't say I have." Caller: "Hell, ya aught to try it sometime, I tell ya man, it's good eating. Possum, raccoons, even zebra meat, cooks up pretty good." Lazlow: "Err, do you have anything else to say, or..." Caller: "Pigeons. Pigeons are good too. Sometimes, they come with notes attached...it's like...a fortune cookie with wings. Squirrels...squirrels is not so good, they...taste like goldfish...meat's real stringy...ya know what I mean?" Lazlow: "Ermm, actually, I can't say that I do...umm...but if I did eat too much squirrel and put on a few extra pounds, I'd use the Dormatron...unlike those other exercise machines that require you to be awake, the Dormatron actually exercises you over night." Dormitron (commercial) Woman: "I've tried everything, and I just couldn't keep those extra two- hundred pounds off! It started to affect my marriage." Man: "She was too big for me, and I'll sleep with anything!" Woman: "The Abdomatrix, the Thigh-asizer, tummy stapling, I've had my mouth sewn up, my hands chopped off, you name it, I've tried it!" Man: "Except for exercising and eating right, porky!" Woman: "That's right, honey! Then I found The Dormatron! Using a new technology called bio-rhythmic-subconscious-gymnastics, The Dormatron exercises you while you sleep. Just strap in your arms and legs, put on The Dormatron headset, then wrap yourself in the special high-voltage electric blanket. Turn it on to 11 and burn those pounds away while a relaxing nights sleep! Now that I've lost 280 pounds, my husbands all mine again!" Man: "That's right honey, no more escort services for me!" Male Voice: "Don't be fat a day longer than you have to! Remember, being fat can even ruin a romantic cruise! *whooo* Call Dormatron now, at 1-800-sleepofflard. Or visit www.sleepofflard.com , and sleep your way to a thinner, happier you!" Maibatsu Monstrosity (commercial) Man: "I'm a marketing manager who lives in the suburbs and commutes to work on the highway. I live alone, so of course I needed a car that can seat 12 and is equipped to drive across arctic tundra...it just makes me feel better!" Woman: "The new Maibatsu Monstrosity...mine's bigger!" Seg 2 - Fake name woman Lazlow: "Heh, that's a good commercial. I..I love commercials, don't you? This is Chatterbox, we are taking your calls right now. Hello caller, you are on the air." Caller: "Hi Lazlow, is that your real name?" Lazlow: "Huh? Of course it's my real name!" Caller: "Are you Hungarian?" Lazlow: "Eh-heh...nooo, I'm from up-state." Caller: "Are you sure that's not a fake radio name, like Andy or Bobo? I thought all those radio people had fake names!" Lazlow: "Do you have a question, or do you wanna just...sit here all day and talk about my name?" Caller: "No. That's it. Love the show, Lazlow. Or Mark. Or John. Or Beverly, whatever your name is." Seg 3 - Vegetable man Lazlow: "Alright, next caller, you're on Chatterbox. What is on your mind?" Caller: "Turnips. Root vegetables. You know, albino carrots as they're known back home." Lazlow: "Okay, here's the deal - this isn't gardening with Maurice, that's on later!" Caller: "Nooo, he got taken off the air. He lied, I know he did. I been trying to make a hybrid of a peach and a Pekinese midget fighting bitch for the last two years. And it is im-possible...im- possible, I tell ya." Seg 4 - Jane difficult parent Lazlow: "Okay, and speaking of impossible, Jane from Cedar Grove is on the line, and she wants to talk about how difficult it is being a parent today. Hello Jane..." Jane: "Hi Lazlow, I love the show, I'm a first time caller. I wanted to say something about these videogames, they are warping our kids minds. My sons dog, Bugle, got hit by a truck, and he says 'Mummy, mummy, where's the reset button?.' Kids these days, they think life is a game. Well it's not a game Lazlow. It is very, very serious. I let my kid play video games, and now, he runs around the house looking for gold coins. This is teaching our children to go chase money. My eldest has been playing this new videogame, called Pogo the Monkey..." Lazlow: "Yeah, I've heard of that one..." Jane: "The shop teacher called me today, and Sam made a home-made banana cannon in shop class, and was lobbing them across the street at a fast-food restaurant. And it's all because of videogames. Lazlow...life does not have a reset button!" Lazlow: "Right, but this show does..." *beeeeep* "I love that button." Seg 5 - SPANKed up guy Lazlow: "You know, it's never a dull moment on this show. Especially if you're in our key demographic." Donald Love: "Love Media. Bringing people, and the finest entertainment together." Lazlow: "Alright, hello next caller, you're on Chatterbox." Caller: "I wanna talk about that SPANK stuff. People say it's bad for you. It's not bad for you at all. Why aren't you talking? Oh, you think I'm strange? Am I on the air? Hello? Answer me, you pansy!" Lazlow: "Err...what's your question?" Caller: "SPANK! SPANK SPANK! SPANK!" Lazlow: "Eh-heh, what about it? I mean that's not really a question. Questions usually start with words like 'how', and 'why', and they end with your voice going up like this..." Caller: "Don't mock me! I know where you work! You're just like all the rest!" Lazlow: "How's that?" Caller: "Word is evil dude. And toothpaste, they use it to control us. Why do you think all the commercials tell you to brush twice a day? I..I've read books!" Lazlow: "And what book have you been reading that tells you that toothpaste is evil?" Caller: "Dentures, the Devil, and the Great Cavity Cover-up, by Jay Phillip Higgenbottom. If you'd seen what I'd seen, and if you've heard what I've heard, you'd never brush your teeth again!" Lazlow: "I suppose you're one of those people that says diet soda makes you go crazy in later life..." Caller: "I told you before man, don't mock me! My taxes pay your salary, you pansy!" Lazlow: "Sssir, er, this is a commercial radio-station owned by Love Media. Advertising revenue pays my salary. And on that note, it's been two full minutes since a commercial, but I'd like to say, if anyone else is stressed, might I recommend Equinox from Zaibatsu Pharmaceuticals...we'll be back after these important messages..." Caller: "Sell out!" Equinox (commercial) Woman: "I used to be concerned and nervous about the future. Sometimes I'd get scared before an important event, such as childbirth, or a family funeral. Hey, sometimes you need a little help navigating life's trouble spots! That's when I discovered Equinox!" Man: "After the divorce and losing little Tommy, life was getting me down. I couldn't focus on anything at work. After trying Equinox, I've been employee of the month three times in a row! I used to fall unconscious for hours at a time, but now with Equinox, I never need to sleep." Male Voice: "Equinox is new, from Zaibatsu Pharmaceuticals. Ask your doctor about Equinox...today." Male: "Equinox may cause nausea, loss of sleep, blurred vision, leakage, kidney problems and breathing irregularities. Do not take Equinox if you are operating any machinery, driving a car, pregnant, a child of low age, unhappy or if your family has a history of mental disorders. Male Voice: "Equinox...softening life's harsh realities!" Liberty City Survivor (commercial) Male Voice: "Tonight...the TV event that will make history...Liberty City Survivor! This takes reality TV to a whole new level! We'll take 20 recently paroled guys, equip them with grenade launchers and flamethrowers...and let them hunt each other down!! It's the reality show where you...just might be...part of the action!!" Man: "I was grabbing a sandwich in the Happy Blimp, and all-of-a-sudden these guys crashed through the window and started shooting at each other! I was so excited, I didn't even notice I'd been hit! After that, I was hooked on Liberty City Survivor! I watch it every day in the hospital!" Male Voice: "The game doesn't end until there's only one man left standing!! Tune in nightly, or watch the 24hour live webcast!......Liberty City Survivor!!......Natural selection...has come home!!....... Sponsored by AmmuNation. Please remember to put litter in it's place." Seg 6 - Short guy Lazlow: "Alright, we're back on Chatterbox, call us on the Chatterline, and tell us what's on your mind, line 4, you're on Chatterbox..." Caller 1: "LIBERTY CITY COCKS RUUULE!!!" Lazlow: "Aah, that's lovely, thanks. Next caller, you're on Chatterbox." Caller 2: "That last guy was so full of crap. Everyone knows women are made from sand." Lazlow: "Okay, great, another lunatic. Hello, next caller, you are on Chatterbox." Caller 3: "Yeah, you were talking about short guys and attitudes. Well, you know you'd have an attitude too if you couldn't reach the frigging cheesy-swirls at the grocery store." Lazlow: "Yeah, I mean, sometimes it seems like the whole world's against ya, I mean..." Caller 3: "You know, we're not talking about you! What kind of ego- maniac are you? You got your own show, how about letting other people talk for a change? You're all the same you giants, 'oh, I'm tall, I'm so important, listen to me talk about my tall stuff. I think I'll put this on the top shelf, hey, what's the weather like down there? How's it going short-stuff? Can you get that, your closer. Why so sad, pee-wee?' Who do you think you are?!?!? Short people are people too!!!" Seg 7 - Gun caller Lazlow: "Al-right, another award-winning show on Chatterbox. Today we're talking about anything, it seems. If you have something to say about anything, call now. Hello caller. You're on Chatterbox" Caller: "Yeah, hi, I love the show, love hearing people's opinions, that's what made this country great. People. And opinions. And stuff. Most of all, guns. I've had it with people whining about 'guns kill people,' guns don't kill people, death kills people. Ask a doctor, it's a medical fact. You can't die from a bullet. You can die from a cardiac arrest or organ failure or a major hemorrhage, small piece of metal ain't the problem. Besides, I only use my machine-gun in the safety of my own home and car. I ain't hurting nobody. And countries that don't have guns ain't American." Lazlow: "Y-you know that's a really good point. Countries that don't have guns aren't American. You know, if more people had guns, we'd have less shootings in this country." Seg 8 - Taxes Lazlow: "Alright, we're going over here to line 2, hello caller, you are on Chatterbox." Caller: "Yeah, I'd like to say something about taxes." Lazlow: "You mean...the lone-star state?" Caller: "No, taxes. Well, you know, look, taxes are really wrong. My father worked his whole life, he played the Lottery, and now the state wants him to pay taxes on the money he wins from that stuff. Buy your own Lottery tickets, you know, hey!?!" Lazlow: "Good point, that's a lesson to us all." Seg 9 - English guy Lazlow: "Alright, hello, you are on Chatterbox." Caller: "Hello Lazlow, I'm a first time caller. I recently moved to Liberty City from Hampshire, in England." Lazlow: "Oh really? How do you like it? I mean, is it hard to get used to the language? Y-you speak English pretty good." Caller: "Oh thank you Lazlow. Yes, yes I do like it here. There's one thing though that's very different and rather worrying. When I was a boy in England, I had a nanny. She was very strict, Lazlow." Lazlow: "Yeah, well, I mean there's excellent child-care here in America, eeerr...you know?" Caller: "Well, well I'm sure. But, but the thing is Lazlow, when, when, when I was a naughty boy, I, I, I...I would get spanked. N...nanny...nanny would spank me...when I was naughty, and now...now Freddy needs a nanny, because when Freddy's naughty, he needs to get spanked." Lazlow: "Well, there's some child psychologists, who'd probably say that spanking can be harmful to a child's emotional development." Caller: "Ab..ab...absolute rot, Lazlow. It's lovely. Freddy needs a nanny. He needs a nanny Lazlow, because Freddy's been a very naughty boy." Lazlow: "How...how old is your son?" Caller: "Excuse me?" Lazlow: "How old is your son?" Caller: "I don't have children! I can't stand the little brats! But Freddy needs a nanny..." Lazlow: "Alright, that's enough of him! God, who gave this guy a green card?" Seg 10 - Sine & Cosine guy Lazlow: "This is Chatterbox, we're talking about short guys, nannies, taxes and anything sane you'd like to bring to the party. Hello, you are on Chatterbox." Caller: "I was listening to that caller about taxes. His views are a little extreme. How do you expect to be a responsible member of society if you don't understand how the government spends your money? Why are people afraid of numbers? Sine and Cosine are two of the elegant incredible discoveries of humanity. I mean, the Cartesian co-ordinate system has an elemental power I find invigorating and even sexy. And I'm not ashamed to say it." Lazlow: "Okay, thanks for calling. Now that we've lost 98% of our audience let's reward the other 2% with a commercial. When we come back we'll have a special studio guest, special because he advertises on this radio-station. Remember, it's not a conflict of interests if we own all the radio-stations in town. We'll be right back after this message." House of Tomorrow (commercial) Female Voice: "In today's fast paced world, a split second can be the difference between achieving your dreams....." Man: "Hey, I just won the Nobel Peace Prize!" Female Voice: "...and not..." Man (yokel): "I wonder if wrestling's on tonight?!" Female voice: "More Americans are realizing if you don't have the latest and greatest technological devices...you will fall behind!" Man 2: "I didn't upgrade my personal organizer, and two days later I was diagnosed with a terminal illness! *cough* ...!" Female Voice: "That's exactly why you should come visit the friendly people at House of Tomorrow...and they'll set you up with all your twenty-first century technology needs." Man 3: "I only spent $20,000 and now I can get e-mail in the shower or surf the Internet while I'm driving. I was bored stupid, at my daughter's recitals and my son's little-league games...thanks to House of Tomorrow, I can play wireless head-to-head 3D virtual reality poker...literally anywhere!" Female Voice (posh): "If it's a flash-in-the-pan technology of absolutely no use to anyone, you can find it at House of Tomorrow! Remember...only technology makes life worth living. House of Tomorrow. We'll upgrade your system then you can upgrade your life!" Seg 11 - Fernando Lazlow: "And now it is my great pleasure to welcome Fernando Martinez, who it says here is the founder of 'Fernando's New Beginnings,' a revolutionary new way of saving your marriage. Fernando, welcome." Fernando: "The pleasure is mine Lazlow. It is an honour to be here, I feel blessed." Lazlow: "Err, thanks, so tell me about 'Fernando's New Beginnings." Fernando: "Truly Lazlow, it is a miracle, a blessing. It is a revolution in the marriage guidance. For my people, marriage is...how you say...sacred. The bond between the father and the mother...it is made in heaven. And, in the bedroom...if you know what I mean." Lazlow: "Err...I think so...heh..." Fernando: "For my people, it is the holiest, most sacrosanct thing imaginable. Like a church. Yet, for it to be a happy marriage, it must also be like a brothel. The woman, she must be many, many arts. The skill in making house, cooking, changing the diapers on the babies, and....she must also be a whore. A vixen in the bedroom. Imaginative, exotic, constantly fresh. It is impossible...you change diapers and then you are a French maid? Fernando thinks not. Fernando knows not." Lazlow: "Well, I mean, you know, it's an age-old problem, I mean, how do you keep the excitement in a marriage?" Fernando: "Excitement, exactly! Passion, danger...how, Lazlow, how? Tell me how and I give you...a big, big kiss! Like I give a woman. But I am not going to give you a big kiss, not a kiss like I a give a woman, or even a donkey. Because, because...you do not know!" Lazlow: "Well, I mean in this case, ignorance...err...kinda seems like bliss...I err...I wasn't really up for kissing on air...or I mean..." Fernando: "Why not Lazlow? Am I not attractive? Am I not irresistible even to you? Well no matter. Why all this talking about kissing?" Lazlow: "I mea...you brought it up!" Fernando: "No my friend...you say, you not want to kiss me. I was talking how to say, hypothetically, you make me all personal. It is a big difference. If I say, 'imagine if your wife was ugly', you can nod your head. But if I say, 'hey Lazlow, your wife, she look like yesterday's dinner after I eat.' You not so happy. It is a big difference, my friend." Lazlow: "'Anyway..." Fernando: "The marriage is impossible, Lazlow. If a man was born an angel, maybe it possible, but a man...is born...a man. And a man with needs...he needs a woman to tuck his babies into the bed, but for his bed he needs something else. Something magical. A dream. Sueño..." Lazlow: "So he starts flirting with his secretary, he takes her out for a drink, one thing leads to another, and before you know it, he's found all kinds of uses for the office furniture." Fernando: "Exactly Lazlow. I know what you are like. I see it in your eyes. A wanderer. A dreamer. A man who has needs. But yet, I can save you. And I can save your marriage." Lazlow: "Eh-heh, my marriage doesn't need saving, heheh!" Fernando: "Hey you are the one mentioning the pretty assistant and the office furniture, and the ay-caramba my friend. Listen, Lazlow, and listen very closely. Your marriage is a gift, it is a present from above. You are a man, I think we see by now you are no angel. I can save you. For when the man, he sees # wife all fat, all ugly, with the dirty diapers and the dirty babies and the scrubbing brush, who knows what else, he's not thinking marriage bed, he's thinking about what you thinking about your pretty assistant. We already know that, see." Lazlow: "Aahh...go on..." Fernando: "But Lazlow, what if you act on your fantasy. For your little secretary with the short skirt and the pretty eyes and the 'come-here-and-do-this' smile, and then what my friend? What then?" Lazlow: "Erm...I get a sexual harassment suit!" Fernando: "If you are lucky, my friend. But you, more likely, your marriage is ruined Lazlow. Your sweetheart, she hates you. Your pretty secretary, she wants you to be her man. You back here to square one. My friend, you, and a thousand men like you, for me, once it was so, but then one day, I was driving my car, and I realize, 'Fernando, you are blessed!' You, are a miracle, a thousand miracles rolled into one. You save the marriage, and, you save the man. You don't put the marriage first, and you don't put the man first. Maybe, we call it 'Man Marriage.' Then I think to myself...no...this is a bad name! It sounds really dumb. Then I think, we cal it 'Fernando's New Beginnings.' Because that is...what it is. A new beginning Lazlow." Lazlow: "So, how does this work?" Fernando: "It is a miracle Lazlow, a miracle. A man is a good father, a loving husband, the winner of the bread...six and a half days a week. On the spare half day, I save his life." Lazlow: "How?" Fernando: "By giving him what he needs...in a controlled environment. I give him passion." Lazlow: "What...with you? That kinda sounds like a limited market!" Fernando: "Lazlow, you are very prejudice, and I no like that. But no, not with me. Passion for life. Passion for love. Passion for women. Which he can take home to his wife, of course." Lazlow: "What, so you act like a pimp?" Fernando: "Not a pimp little man, a savior. In a controlled environment I introduce the man to a pleasure he has lost to the miracles of the world. And truly, the results are remarkable. With my unique councelling, a thousand marriages have been saved, and a million more could be saved, everyday." Lazlow: "Eh-heh...and...and do the wives know about this?" Fernando: "In their hearts, Lazlow, they know they have been saved." Lazlow: "Errr...okay. We're gonna open it up to the phones. If you've got any questions for Fernando Martinez, exotic marriage guidance made easy, ring us now...eh...hey cool, we have a caller on line 1, caller, you are on Chatterbox." Jerry: "Hi Lazlow, hey Fernando. My name's Jerry, and I'm a first-time caller, and I just wanted to say 'hey Lazlow, you were real tough on Fernando back there.' I'll tell you one thing...he's a miracle worker! He saved my marriage...and I married a bus of a woman! Now I don't feel sick every time I open my eyes!" Fernando: "See Lazlow, you see? I remember Jerry so well. He come in, he is like a broken man. But a half a man... a 'ma', if you will. He has no 'n' anymore, and his marriage is killing him! Where is the passion? She is gone, replaced by ugliness. You see Lazlow...Mrs. Jerry...she is not a pretty lady! She is more like an offensive line, a tiger, big and hairy, but fertile. She gives Jerry five kids. But she is even bigger. Now she is like a whole offensive line...he feels no pride in himself. He has no pride in his marriage. He is ashamed of this wonderful lady, who bears him so many young. And he comes to me, and he cries...'Fernando, save my marriage, I love my wife...even though she is a fat porker!' And I say 'Jerry, you are a man. It is a mans duty to love his wife...even if she is like a farmhouse.' Now, Jerry is saved." Lazlow: "By...sleeping with other women." Fernando: "Whatever it takes to save a beautiful union. A blessing." Lazlow: "A beautiful union by a...an adulterer and queen Kong! That's great. So err...who's on the line now?" Janice: "Hi Lazlow, this is Janice. I love the show, and always wanted to call in, but you offended me today. Who is this gutter-trash you have on the show?" Lazlow: "Hey Janice, I share your anxiety...the studio kinda...forced him on me!" Fernando: "Hey, you watch yourself mister, and you, Janice, why are you so ugly? Your husband, he not make you happy?" Janice: "No, he's an idiot! And a jerk!" Fernando: "But he's probably a good daddy, and you sound very pretty, angry, and a little bit of a know-it-all, but very pretty lady. This is the thing, Lazlow. The women, they think the New Beginnings is only for men! But no, it is for women too! For Janice, if her husband goes to New Beginnings, he thinks that you are wonderful, all over again, and, in the extreme case, maybe she come to work for me. And she get a new beginning herself! She discover the excitement and the passion all for herself. Listen, Janice, you call me...cinco-cinco-cinco-nueve dos-nueve-dos" Lazlow: "Eh-heh....listen...don't try to pimp-out my listeners!" Fernando: "That is a very ugly word. A travesty. I work miracles, sénor, not pimping! I save, I give the passion back! And you better watch yourself buddy, because for my people, we take these insults very personally. And then, you no longer Mr. Talk- show, you Mr. Who-cut-out-my-tongue." Lazlow: "Eh-heh...who are your people anyway? I..eh...which exotic location do you come from?!?" Fernando: "I am...I am Latin." Lazlow: "Heh, Latin is a big place there buddy. Eh, where in Latin?" Fernando: "I do not need to listen to the insults. I have pride, I have a calling. Many are called, but few are chosen, my friend. And I was called, and chosen, to work a miracle!!" Lazlow: "So, err...er...where were you called from, Fernando??" Fernando: "From off-state, okay, you happy money now? I'm not real Latin, but I provide real Latin passion. I work the miracles, everyday. Listen...wives, children...if your husband, if your daddy, he not happy, send him to me, Fernando, in exchange for a few hours a week...I give you the world!!!" Lazlow: "Get off, get lost, you're just a cheap pimp from up-state, get out of my studio!!!" Fernando: "I save your daddy....I save your husband...it is a miracle.....!!!" Lazlow: "Get outta here...!!!" Fernando: "It is a miracle!!!" Petsovernight 1 (commercial) Kid: "Mom, there's a package for you." Mom: "But I didn't order anything! What's this? How sweet..." Puppy: "Woof woof woof!" Mom: "Gee whilikers...it's a puppy!" Male Voice: "Everybody loves a puppy! And now you can ship one anywhere, just by logging on to petsovernight.com! Petsovernight.com...delivering little bundles of love, in a box...directly to your door." Puppy: "Woof!" Seg 12 - Spank kids guy Lazlow: "And now it's time for a public service announcement from station owner Donald Love." Donald Love: "Hello. My name is Donald Love. You're listening to a Love Media station. Enjoy!" Lazlow: "Alright, we're back here on Chatterbox, the radio show that never gets old. I'm Lazlow, with open ears and a closed mind. Hello, you're on the air, what's your name?" Caller: "I wanted to talk about spanking!" Lazlow: "Oh God...not another one...!" Caller: "I say spanking kids is the only way to teach them right from wrong." Lazlow: "So you think that teaching kids from an early age that violence is the solution to problems will make them valuable members of our society." Caller: "Exactly! I knew you'd understand Lazlow! My daddy used to whoop the tar out of me. He once hit me so hard my spleen fell out of my ear. Didn't do me no harm. Look at me now, I'm the best pest- control guy in east Portland. I've killed more rats, roaches and vermin that you can imagine, and I love it. This is such a great country, I wouldn't be where I am today if my daddy hadn't beat me senseless." Lazlow: "Hehh...what are you talking about? Man, I'm starting to believe that guy about the fluoride in the drinking water! Listen...if there's any sane person left in Liberty City that can hear my voice, please, call the show right now, this is an SOS, going out across the city!" Seg 13 - Killer bees Lazlow: "Hello caller, you are on the air. Are you sane!?! Eh-heh...are you a sane caller?!?" Caller: "Absolutely Lazlow. Killer bees!" Lazlow: "K..killer bees!?" Caller: "Yes, killer bees! Did you know that the current migration north continues, we will all be dead in 3 years?!? Do you want to become a bee's supper?!? I don't! That's why we must act now!!! Killer bees must be stopped!" Lazlow: "I wonder why more people aren't talking about this, I mean, killer bees swarming, and it sounds pretty serious!" Caller: "Aah...but the killer bees are nothing compared to ants! You can't kill them! They are like sheep, they are going to take over!!" Lazlow: "Alright, thanks caller." Seg 14 - C.R.A.P. Lazlow: "Alright, thanks caller. Ants, killer bees, fat people, what's plaguing you? Call now! Chatterbox, hello, you're on the air..." Caller: "Err yes...I'd like to say something about these damn people on trains and busses in this city who yammer on and on into their cell phones. I'm really glad to hear about what your having for dinner! What we should do, is herd them up, and put them on an island. I am the President of a group called Citizens Raging Against Phones." Lazlow: "CRAP?!?" Caller: "Exactly!" Lazlow: "Your organization's called 'crap,'...wh...what kind of moron are you...you wanna round people up for using a phone?!? But you...your calling up on a phone t...to tell the world about it! I...I mean, how many people are there in this 'crap'?" Caller: "Citizens are raging against phones, Lazlow!!" Lazlow: "How many people?" Caller: "There are three of us. It's hard organizing meetings without the phones though. We've had to resort to carrier pigeons, and they keep disappearing." Lazlow: "What are you speaking to me on? What...what's that in your hand?" Caller: "I am not the problem! You are! And you're perpetuating the downfall of mankind! Liberty City was great before phones ruined everything." Lazlow: "Liberty City was a church, a cow pasture and 3 houses when the telephone was invented!" Caller: "Liar!!" Lazlow: "You're the liar!" Caller: "Liar, liar, pants on fire!" Lazlow: "What are...are you three years old?!?" Caller: "Lazlow's a liar, Lazlow's a liar!! I bet that isn't even your real name" Lazlow: "Shut up!!" Caller: "You shut up!!" Lazlow: "Stupid!" Caller: "Nanny nanny boo-boo, stick your head in doo-doo!" Lazlow: "Ohh...we're going to commercials!" Sue your boss (commercial) Male Voice: "Is your job affecting your health? Do you become fatigued? Does working take time away from family and social events like watching wrestling? There's an easy solution! Sue your boss!! See, the great thing about this country is you can sue anyone for pretty much anything! And you'll probably win! Or at least get a settlement! At the firm of Rakin and Ponzer personal injury attorneys, we can show you how falling down and howling like a sissy can result in a large damage award from your employer. We also specialize in awards for injuries suffered in auto, bus and train accidents! And can even train you to throw yourself in front of a bus and pretend to be injured. Hey, tha